Friday, October 14, 2016

Of Posterior Inconveniences

She knew she had to make a good appearance, so she took her time to dress for it. One thing you could not criticize her for is a lack of effort in making a fashion statement. Her nails, shoes, make-up, jewelry, clothes, her now trending bags, perfume and oh, hair (that would still be covered) were all on fleek. I could never tell how long it took her to get ready but I assume that it was a significant amount of time. She did not disappoint in this, but then again she never does.

But there are things you cannot prepare for. Even as a queen she could never insure herself of this unfortunate occurrence. Farts come from all sorts of assholes, all around the world, rich and poor alike. We all wish it was never a part of us. Judging by face value, it looks as though some people would never fart in their lifetime. But nature’s unhidden secret puts us all on the same level when it comes to farting. So long as you have an asshole, you must fart. Of course some have a talent for it. They are able to control their farts and bring it in when and where they choose. But the majority of us cannot stop a fart from coming, or fart when we want to. What we can do is hide it.

I have an impressive suppression technique that you could use to hide inconvenient farts. First, you breathe in a lot of oxygen, then breathe out slowly at first and then all at once, releasing the gas in the posterior direction. Allow it to ease out of you and cut it off halfway. Repeat this and you would have released the most treacherous fart without making a single noise. And if it smells, nobody will know it came from you, especially if you make effort to look like one of the people that could never fart. Even if they suspect you, they will have sufficient reason to doubt their suspicion and that my friends is how to avoid being caught farting in public.

Unfortunately, our queen did not have these tips. If you are in Aso Rock, please recommend me for one of those appointments, like special adviser to the first lady on special matters. Because I would have told her that nobody would judge her for farting in private. You see we all understand that every human has to get rid of that toxic gas. She won’t even look bad if she had farted in public. I would have advised her against putting a megaphone up her posterior region just before the gas came out. Heck even with all that, it would have looked better if she hadn’t put that much effort into putting out that much gas. Instead she took all the admiration I have been nurturing for her and used it to embarrass her people.

In case you do not have a thing for metaphors, go to this link:

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