Monday, October 19, 2015


I woke up to an alarm that said 'Write'. I immediately felt the impulse to and I have to admit that it is the first time the alarm has worked since I set it some 5/6 months ago. Even though I can guesstimate when I set it, I cannot remember what motivated me to. Was it to hone my writing skills, build on them and improve by writing more random stuff? Or was it to write on my blog that always gets weird people reading from the ends of nowhere. I've always thought of my blog posts as an invitation for an alien abduction but some nosy humans happen to find it. Thankfully, I found a more private blog where I am sure only intelligent life forms can find. The point is not in being understood, but being found. And I think some aliens have found me from a planet far away in my head. They've landed their flying saucers on a rather contoured terrain - my brain, must have been one bumpy landing. Aliens could be that small. Maybe that is the reason why only NASA and some homeless people have interacted with them. Then again, they may not be the only kind that exist. There could be tons of variations that I cannot capture in my universe of a mind. Aha here's a good line.... it may be the reason why I write this: 

'The mind is a mirror into the universe'. 

I will not venture to explain further as most quotes are like that. Perhaps I will try to capture it more elaborately in a more extended effort. But I shall move on to other matters. Now that I think of it again, I am inclined to arrive at a less weirder explanation for that alarm. I could have set that alarm to commit to 1 hour of writing everyday as a moderately successful author once advised me. I don't know why I should take that advice seeing as I have no intentions of moderating my success when it comes. But I guess you take what you are given. Speaking of the success that I imagine myself having, I have been trying to write a book since I remember enjoying writing. I have tried a zombie apocalypse version of the Jos crisis (a rather mediocre plot that has suffered overuse), an espionage version of same (I am still into this idea) and a 'How I did it' story of my success as it is happening. None of this made it up to a chapter, although I have writing enough excerpts some 50 page long. But I think I will stay here and invite more aliens seeing as none of those hideous ideas can take me where I want to go. Now where to post it is the problem. I am drawn to think that the more targeted my posts are, the more my chances of being ignored by the most advanced aliens. They wouldn't want to contact the to-be abducted with the best alien PR. No I imagine the recruiter is looking for the most out of this world, yet normal individual on earth. So I will pretend to post it on my blog and sound as human as possible as I write every line. That makes me a more harder find, increases the thrill for the recruiter and may haps even bring me front of the line for the right abduction.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Bride, The Miaden and The Girl

The young bride struggles to please. That is all she can hope to do, and she prays to find the strength to fuel this struggle. This part of the deed is not easy, she is never going to get used to this. She thought it would be happiness ever after and beyond once the wedding was over and all her plans went accordingly. Now all her plans went accordingly and the wedding is over but all she could do to latch on to happiness is struggle to please his family. Before now, her happiness dwelt on her ability to shut down the expectations of others including her family who were all against her marrying a boy that is far from where they are used to. If only they knew how far away from what they are used to she has gone. Now she finds herself trying hard to be accepted into a family she barely knows and play into an alien culture. Will they ever allow her to be herself or will they tie her down to their norms and traditions? Will he explain to them that she is different and stand behind her to make sure they accept her or will he demand that she does as they expect and take away her identity? 

The young maiden knows she is wanted but not wanted as badly as she wants to be wanted. She walked this road looking for this thing that is standing in front of her. Now that she has found it in this man, she can't seem to let herself have it, have him. She knows she cannot have him all at once, but she is troubled that she may not have him at all. To her, he is like a pearl that is better stared at from a distance than worn on one's neck for others to see. She saw him beckoning from a distance to her soul, he seemed a bit reluctant though. To her he seems to be covering up his desire although it shows in different ways. He mentioned it once but retreated the second she showed her own reluctance. But she can't fight this desire that is aggressively rising from her insides. It's a good thing that reality helps her keep it in check. She does not know how far the outlook that reality has framed up for her will last because she has leaped away from it a thousand times in a world that is parallel to this one. This world that mirrors visions from our soul's ideals. She might be crazy to think this but that leap has made her wish that both worlds will collide at some point and she won't have to travel between worlds to find a more perfect perfection. 

The little girl giggles recklessly. She has never been told of a world where her giggles could attract evil to her, yet she lives in one. She is shielded by the purity of her father's cruel kindness to her. His softness to her can only be matched by his brutal approach towards anything at all that threatens her. She is his precious gem and he controls who he shares her beauty with. The world is wired to destroy her innocence and steal her giggle away from her, from him in fact. It puts her on a path that makes her the direct target of every attempt at stamping out innocence and replacing it with fear. The sad part is she will struggle to have a mind of her own, one that reacts to the many threats she faces. She would not be accepted traditionally because tradition has been designed to reject her albeit when she is being used by it. She is going to be beautiful but only in the way that she is expected to be. She is going to be happy, but only as happy as the world allows her to be. 

Friday, March 27, 2015

Which Bag Will You Put Your Money In?

First of all, I am not proud of this post. Actually that is only mostly true because the only reason why I wouldn't want to sound like this is the same reason why most Nigerians jump into politics. See I am scared that someone someday may do a background check on me just when I am about to get that life-changing government contract signed, and I would loose it because of my colorful pen. But I think I can live with that while there are other ways of hammering in Nigeria (There is still a chance that that background check might not happen in any case.) So I am taking a break from being a conscious and serious Nigerian who uses everything he's got in an optimistic philosophy of making his life Nigeria better. The long and short of this is that I just want to be real for one post. 

So as many as about 70 million people are going to sacrifice their time to have their voices heard through their votes and they will soon find out this meaning of Democracy:

"Democracy: "The state of affairs in which you consent to having your pocket picked, and elect the best man to do it". Benjamin Lichtenberg

My version of this thought is more positive than Benji's own. It goes:

"Democracy: The state of affairs in which you hand over your money to the best dancer and you let him manage control how he uses it".

Let me explain, the state has oil money resources and these are managed by individuals we elect. Even though we are all entitled to all these resources, for the sake of order, we elect a few to control manage it. It is a way of owning something without having control over it, just the way artistes sign their copyright to the label for their "own good".  So in essence, 'ballot in the box' = 'money in the bag' (just so we are clear, state resources).

I should really end here but I have not gotten to the fun part yet, that is the Nigerian situation. Somehow the choices of most Nigerians lie between two bags, so welcome to the fun part.

The Scumbag
Mstcheeeew! All these idiots be acting like my feelings don't matter. whether you like it or not, they do, even moreso since I have been in every other conversation these past few months. So I guess we both agree I am popular. Popular enough to tell you this: like your fathers before you, most of you are suffering. And like them you think it is people like me that cause it. Your Father! If not for people like me, you will not even have a country sef. Some people think because they are younger than me, or more educated, they can talk nonsense. They should continue and we'll see who they'll come begging for a slice of the national cake from, after this election. I have already told them to arrange themselves very well or they will continue in their poverty. Thankfully sha, some sharp guys have  tried and they are now wearing my colors. Other idiots are going for that douche bag. Do you even know what a douche bag is? Let me tell you. It means: a contemptible or despicable person. Do you know what voting for a douche makes you? You better vote for me, oh because you don't want to know the answer to that last question. I might be mean, but I am not as low serving as that douche you keep disturbing people about. Just so you know, I am not a magician, I can't cure NEPA's epilepsy (you no get babalawo for ya village?) And all these boys looking for job, no be all of una go get am oh (lazy people! See how your mates are hustling in Lagos and you are begging government to do something for you). But I can sha promise you this, I will have smarter excuses than your celebrated douche bag if you vote for me.

The Douche bag
Is it my fault that Nigeria is the way it is? Did I invent corruption? These nonsense Nigerians will hustle and manage to travel to yankee and when they see that America is better than Nigeria they will start yabbing me as if na me dey take light for NEPA. Upon all the insults they pile on me, I am still the GSOTNC (Grand Shearer Of The National Cake), what's left of it anyways. They will insult me on Newspaper and online then after I send one of my boys with a tiny piece of the cake, they will change topic and start talking about Autistic children. See, me I am not against my fellow Nigerians because I still need their votes to win this election. If I don't win, nobody will hire me because... well I owe you no explanations. The person I dey fear na that Scumbag that is eyeing my job. Bros, I know you have been waiting in line, but no be for my head you go hammer oh. Just go relax, if na the cake you want, I fit arrange am for you na. But you sef dey vex oh. See yab wey you yab me.... As if a Scumbag is more righteous than a Douchebag. Why people come dey campaign for you sef? make you learn from your mates na. You know any 70 year old looking for the most difficult Job in Africa? Make you pity your children na. E for dey easier make you even go school (or maybe not, because we both know why you didn't go in the first place, hehe). Oya slow down, I go settle you after Saturday. You know say I be your boy na. 

This Saturday, the majority of Nigerians will be left with two choices where they can drop the currency for their socio-economic development. If you are a Nigerian, will you put your money in a douche bag or a scumbag? If you are not Nigerian, who do you think is worth your suffering, the douche or the scum?

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

This Neveruary

This was published last February before the election but it somehow disappeared. I wonder why.

The scientist looks harder into the telescope, he is bored of the problems here. He wants to create new ones out there. Are they out there staring back at him or are they already in the neighborhood? He knows the truth, but he has traded the freedom that comes with telling it for the power he was promised for keeping it. Can we have both power and truth at the same time or will we never know the truth about aliens? A few gods own the truth and they keep the power and they are not willing to share either with the rest of us. They want us to think that we can only get one or the other but their true intention is to make sure that we are only left with a delusion in our hands. They leave us wondering whether we should pay the price for truth and give up our power or pray that we never find out the truth that will haunt us. This Neveruary, he is going to find out whether to pay or pray and he will take the advantage of the power of truth from the self acclaimed gods of capitalism and share it with the rest of us.

Politicians fighting for power. An aging ruler vs a struggling simpleton. Who will win the race? With a vicious run for it, they find smart thinkers, and planted their seeds of reasoning. Some called it change others transformation. Some watered it with money, others placed a higher value for their conscience-more money. They added fertilizer on the seeds- all colors of religious and tribal sentiments, some good intentions (the kind that pave the way to hell) and the promise of a few big interests. The hungry streets grew with the seeds and the fruits of opinions were formed. The fruits fell on the ground and littered the floor. They rot and filled the whole air with their smell- this is the food of the streets. Soon, all you will ever know about those streets will be the fruits of the opinions. Except that the innocent children who are crying out for their future beg that they are not a part of the argument for the more appealing mediocrity. They do not want Goodluck to be their valentine and they do not want to see this Febuhari come to past. All they beg for is that politics be based on patriotism, fair judgement, and the right values. The politicians both backed down and said, you know what? They are right. Since we can't give them what they need, we will back down and find someone that can this Neveruary.

A lonely boy got popular. But it didn't help his loneliness. He has been lonely for so long that the few times he makes love with his right hand, he feels less human. Loneliness seemed to be his destiny until he fooled a girl to be a part of his loneliness. And they started sharing that loneliness together. He is not sure how long he can keep her there or how long he will want her to stay. But he spent valentine's day with her, unlike one of his friends who broke up with his girl for farting on a date two days before valentine's day. He even bought her a precious gift from a land too far away unlike his other friend who emailed his girlfriend a pdf novel she had been looking to read. All these he did knowing that he needed something for the future. So he gets proactive as he plans the next 10 steps. He wastes no time in finding ways to fill his future loneliness with friends he could replace his hand with or better yet friends he could fool to make a lifelong commitment to share and enjoy his loneliness. The only problem is that it is not the future yet, but he has started living it. He stops himself halfway into completely escaping into what he is enjoying and brings himself to the present where the innocent girl he fooled was waiting to share his loneliness. He will get rid of his projected happiness and be faithful to this girl and he will turn his loneliness into togetherness and have friends for the sake of friendship only, this Neveruary.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Life Hack- How to Rule the Friendzone Like a Champ

1. First, drink in the rude awakening: Accept that you are not being desired the way you want. This is actually hard until you let go of your sense of self entitlement, that feeling that you are supposed to be wanted, you are supposed to be needed, you deserve her/him. Fact is that you are not loosing out by letting go, you are simply accepting the fact that that person does not see you the way you see them. Admitting to that will help you keep a healthy dose of self-esteem.

2. Feel Bad About It: I know exactly how this sounds on the surface, it is not a real advice. But I have noticed that the reason why we undergo prolonged suffering is because we are in denial of what we are truly feeling. You already feel bad about it, but you try to remind yourself of little victories that negotiate that feeling. Bad news is, you will only draw yourself into a stream of uneasy battles, first with yourself then with the other person to overcome those feelings. Feeling bad about it is the right reaction, and the right reaction is a step away from the right next action.

3. Call it a bad idea: You like her/him, she/he doesn't like you the same way. The implication of this is that you two cannot have something special because you do not like each other the same way. If that was the picture of a relationship, you will not be happy, because you will outspend your energy in an unbalanced relationship. A status is not worth your happiness. Make it clear that your happiness too matters, and that is hinged on being desired in a special way. If this person is not willing to give you that, well then it means you have to find another that will willingly give you what you want. So in a nutshell, withdraw your desire and save it for another.

4. Be a friend: Duh! If she says she just wants to be friends, you realize that is all that you can get. My advice, take it. It might be very hard going back to being friends as normal, but journeying back to where you started is one way you can recover. Learn to appreciate the person as a friend and get rid of any extra expectations you have. This is what it means to be a genuine friend. This step is actually telling you to be selfless. What will you gain from this? There are no guarantees, but you would have done well in handling things the best possible way and if the friend does not appreciate you for that, I promise to give you a medal if you ever meet me.

5. Wear a cape, or at least a t-shirt:  I mean, be the bigger man, the matured party, climb the emotional high ground and operate from that level. The feeling of disappointing another might not go well with him/her, so put that into consideration and help the other party realize that you can actually be happy (if not happier) being friends. This will not only make the other person respect you, it will boost your self esteem and help both of you deal with the friendzone well.

6. Move on: This cliche is necessary, but you have to move on in the right direction and only after you have gotten over the negative feelings that welled up from the friendzone experience. Technically there is no such thing as a rebound from a friendzone, but watch that you are going for what you want, not running from what you cannot get.

This is all I've got on this. Remember you have to communicate all these steps, so be sensitive to know when to apply which step as they may not work out in any particular order.