Friday, March 27, 2015

Which Bag Will You Put Your Money In?

First of all, I am not proud of this post. Actually that is only mostly true because the only reason why I wouldn't want to sound like this is the same reason why most Nigerians jump into politics. See I am scared that someone someday may do a background check on me just when I am about to get that life-changing government contract signed, and I would loose it because of my colorful pen. But I think I can live with that while there are other ways of hammering in Nigeria (There is still a chance that that background check might not happen in any case.) So I am taking a break from being a conscious and serious Nigerian who uses everything he's got in an optimistic philosophy of making his life Nigeria better. The long and short of this is that I just want to be real for one post. 

So as many as about 70 million people are going to sacrifice their time to have their voices heard through their votes and they will soon find out this meaning of Democracy:

"Democracy: "The state of affairs in which you consent to having your pocket picked, and elect the best man to do it". Benjamin Lichtenberg

My version of this thought is more positive than Benji's own. It goes:

"Democracy: The state of affairs in which you hand over your money to the best dancer and you let him manage control how he uses it".

Let me explain, the state has oil money resources and these are managed by individuals we elect. Even though we are all entitled to all these resources, for the sake of order, we elect a few to control manage it. It is a way of owning something without having control over it, just the way artistes sign their copyright to the label for their "own good".  So in essence, 'ballot in the box' = 'money in the bag' (just so we are clear, state resources).

I should really end here but I have not gotten to the fun part yet, that is the Nigerian situation. Somehow the choices of most Nigerians lie between two bags, so welcome to the fun part.

The Scumbag
Mstcheeeew! All these idiots be acting like my feelings don't matter. whether you like it or not, they do, even moreso since I have been in every other conversation these past few months. So I guess we both agree I am popular. Popular enough to tell you this: like your fathers before you, most of you are suffering. And like them you think it is people like me that cause it. Your Father! If not for people like me, you will not even have a country sef. Some people think because they are younger than me, or more educated, they can talk nonsense. They should continue and we'll see who they'll come begging for a slice of the national cake from, after this election. I have already told them to arrange themselves very well or they will continue in their poverty. Thankfully sha, some sharp guys have  tried and they are now wearing my colors. Other idiots are going for that douche bag. Do you even know what a douche bag is? Let me tell you. It means: a contemptible or despicable person. Do you know what voting for a douche makes you? You better vote for me, oh because you don't want to know the answer to that last question. I might be mean, but I am not as low serving as that douche you keep disturbing people about. Just so you know, I am not a magician, I can't cure NEPA's epilepsy (you no get babalawo for ya village?) And all these boys looking for job, no be all of una go get am oh (lazy people! See how your mates are hustling in Lagos and you are begging government to do something for you). But I can sha promise you this, I will have smarter excuses than your celebrated douche bag if you vote for me.

The Douche bag
Is it my fault that Nigeria is the way it is? Did I invent corruption? These nonsense Nigerians will hustle and manage to travel to yankee and when they see that America is better than Nigeria they will start yabbing me as if na me dey take light for NEPA. Upon all the insults they pile on me, I am still the GSOTNC (Grand Shearer Of The National Cake), what's left of it anyways. They will insult me on Newspaper and online then after I send one of my boys with a tiny piece of the cake, they will change topic and start talking about Autistic children. See, me I am not against my fellow Nigerians because I still need their votes to win this election. If I don't win, nobody will hire me because... well I owe you no explanations. The person I dey fear na that Scumbag that is eyeing my job. Bros, I know you have been waiting in line, but no be for my head you go hammer oh. Just go relax, if na the cake you want, I fit arrange am for you na. But you sef dey vex oh. See yab wey you yab me.... As if a Scumbag is more righteous than a Douchebag. Why people come dey campaign for you sef? make you learn from your mates na. You know any 70 year old looking for the most difficult Job in Africa? Make you pity your children na. E for dey easier make you even go school (or maybe not, because we both know why you didn't go in the first place, hehe). Oya slow down, I go settle you after Saturday. You know say I be your boy na. 

This Saturday, the majority of Nigerians will be left with two choices where they can drop the currency for their socio-economic development. If you are a Nigerian, will you put your money in a douche bag or a scumbag? If you are not Nigerian, who do you think is worth your suffering, the douche or the scum?

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