Friday, October 14, 2016


I want to start by demanding an apology from Mr. Pesident, first for insulting his wife and women all over the world and for misrepresenting Nigeria. He has also put Nigerian men in a bad light and he must apologize for that as well. I did not want to start this post with an unserious tone.  We should treat every decline in our humanity as a disaster.  While we are dealing with so many other disasters, some more dangerous than others, I have to say that there those we can prevent. Like this one.

When I referred to Aisha Buhari’s speech here as a fart, I was thinking in terms of the backwardness in using sentiments to guide political appointments in Nigeria. It has become part of our culture to hire or appoint only people we know, or people that we owe favors to. I thought that her statement made it seem like the presidency, and Nigeria as a whole is there to serve the interests of the Buharis and APC. Now you can argue that in so many ways and we can allow it, but we can talk about that another day.

There are things that cannot be allowed. If the leader of a nation can say that his wife belongs to the kitchen and the other room, I do not know what to think of the majority of us. We cannot excuse this as a joke. We cannot even allow this misrepresentation of our people and the beauty of our values. I know that there is a trend of misogyny that so many people are paying so much money to package as politics. I  am speaking of the regressive orange douche Donald Trump. I get it, Americans are thrilled by his savagery like in Game of Thrones. I will always speak against people like Trump and the embarrassment he is to humanity. But we can be better, we are Nigerians and if our leader makes stupid comments like the one he just did, we must cry out in outrage and not just stop there. He has to be punished in some way for this.

This is more than a political issue. It is a humanitarian issue. Nigeria is already backward in so many ways as it is. We cannot afford to be facing the wrong direction, especially when it comes to issues that we can easily win with. We must be an example for the world to follow. We must stand up as humans and weaken the people that are trying to steal our humanity from us. 

As far as farts go, this is a Hurricane. And if we do not respond to it with the attention it deserves, then I do not think we stand a chance against the other problems we have. We should leave the guy that just farted in the room, and not choke on the stench of his posterior offerings. Forever, we would never forget the guy with the Hurricane fart. And congratulations Trump, you have inspired another leader to join you clan. 

Of Posterior Inconveniences

She knew she had to make a good appearance, so she took her time to dress for it. One thing you could not criticize her for is a lack of effort in making a fashion statement. Her nails, shoes, make-up, jewelry, clothes, her now trending bags, perfume and oh, hair (that would still be covered) were all on fleek. I could never tell how long it took her to get ready but I assume that it was a significant amount of time. She did not disappoint in this, but then again she never does.

But there are things you cannot prepare for. Even as a queen she could never insure herself of this unfortunate occurrence. Farts come from all sorts of assholes, all around the world, rich and poor alike. We all wish it was never a part of us. Judging by face value, it looks as though some people would never fart in their lifetime. But nature’s unhidden secret puts us all on the same level when it comes to farting. So long as you have an asshole, you must fart. Of course some have a talent for it. They are able to control their farts and bring it in when and where they choose. But the majority of us cannot stop a fart from coming, or fart when we want to. What we can do is hide it.

I have an impressive suppression technique that you could use to hide inconvenient farts. First, you breathe in a lot of oxygen, then breathe out slowly at first and then all at once, releasing the gas in the posterior direction. Allow it to ease out of you and cut it off halfway. Repeat this and you would have released the most treacherous fart without making a single noise. And if it smells, nobody will know it came from you, especially if you make effort to look like one of the people that could never fart. Even if they suspect you, they will have sufficient reason to doubt their suspicion and that my friends is how to avoid being caught farting in public.

Unfortunately, our queen did not have these tips. If you are in Aso Rock, please recommend me for one of those appointments, like special adviser to the first lady on special matters. Because I would have told her that nobody would judge her for farting in private. You see we all understand that every human has to get rid of that toxic gas. She won’t even look bad if she had farted in public. I would have advised her against putting a megaphone up her posterior region just before the gas came out. Heck even with all that, it would have looked better if she hadn’t put that much effort into putting out that much gas. Instead she took all the admiration I have been nurturing for her and used it to embarrass her people.

In case you do not have a thing for metaphors, go to this link:

Thursday, September 29, 2016

The Learner 02

So I promised to write more about the learner in my next post and my next has taken an awfully long time to come. I can only pray that it is worth the wait for both reader and writer. 

I have been thinking about how bad decisions come about lately because I am about to make a major decision. I woke up one morning of the wait to realize a few things I am going to itemize.

1.  Insufficient information: I once argued with the wrong mindset, to make a point and service the idea of being superior to those around me. The topic was feminism, and somehow I felt the need to share the recent information that I had. It turned out it wasn’t enough to win me the argument. To put it mildly, I got handed my ass by a teenager. But on further consideration, I just got exposed to a new angle on the matter, more information without which I would have been unable to make a good decision on the matter. In my opinion there is an information threshold that is required for good decision making.

2. Lack of Right of Judgement: Reflecting on that argument on feminism, I realize that I had a logically sound mind. Assuming I had sufficient information, I would have still fallen short on the matter if I did not have a strong enough will to do, say or consider the right thing. The problem with this problem is that you have to look deep within yourself to see it. We are often weakened by our own greed, selfishness or even pride among other things to consider the right thing. A lot of times the right things will not favor us, sometimes they will just be the harder options to take, and other times our minds are clouded by external pressures that they exhaust our will power.

3.  Biases: I recently learned that our mind thinks in patterns to process information faster and better. While this might be efficient for us, it has robbed us of the opportunity of questioning and learning new things, especially new people. This has also led to a lot of biases and prejudices that breed bad decisions. I have tried to avoid subscribing to a version of these patterns I call labels that make me see people within the limits of my experience or logical ability. Despite all my effort in being unbiased, I can only be utterly partial by default. Knowing this, I have to rewire myself to constantly open my mind and heart to learning newer patterns instead of reusing old ones so that my decision making process is more dynamic, more specific to every situation and overall more balanced on a case by case basis. This will definitely slow me down and my brain will struggle with me a lot every time I come across new information. But I am not yet willing to give in to my primal nature of processing decisions so I must fight it every chance I get. Only God knows who will win this uphill battle.

I have learned that either one or a mix of any of these three reasons can lead to bad decision making. Of course there are more ways a bad decision could come about, but I write only of lessons I have learned or I remember as I write.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Meet 'The Learner'

So I have not written here for a while and I miss that a lot. There are so many reasons why I have been avoiding this, but I can sum them all up in one word - 'Inadequacy'. What has changed that sent me running back here you ask? Lorrie Moore lend me the words to answer it best: “But that inadequacy, or feeling of inadequacy, never really goes away. You just have to trudge ahead in the rain, regardless.” 

So I have resumed the title of The Learner and that has helped me find the confidence to share my new blog posts. This new wave will have more than my thoughts. I have committed myself to learning everyday and I will be sharing as much of that as I can squeeze into these posts.  I will also be writing shorter posts to ensure that I only post what is important and make it easier for my readers to read.

In my next post, I will be introducing the learner to you. The learner has always been a part of me, and as I am maturing in every possible way, that part of me is becoming more and more relevant.