BUHARI'S DISASTER

I want to start by demanding an apology from Mr. Pesident, first for insulting his wife and women all over the world and for misrepresenting Nigeria. He has also put Nigerian men in a bad light and he must apologize for that as well. I did not want to start this post with an unserious tone.  We should treat every decline in our humanity as a disaster.  While we are dealing with so many other disasters, some more dangerous than others, I have to say that there those we can prevent. Like this one.

When I referred to Aisha Buhari’s speech here as a fart, I was thinking in terms of the backwardness in using sentiments to guide political appointments in Nigeria. It has become part of our culture to hire or appoint only people we know, or people that we owe favors to. I thought that her statement made it seem like the presidency, and Nigeria as a whole is there to serve the interests of the Buharis and APC. Now you can argue that in so many ways and we can allow it, but we can talk about that another day.

There are things that cannot be allowed. If the leader of a nation can say that his wife belongs to the kitchen and the other room, I do not know what to think of the majority of us. We cannot excuse this as a joke. We cannot even allow this misrepresentation of our people and the beauty of our values. I know that there is a trend of misogyny that so many people are paying so much money to package as politics. I  am speaking of the regressive orange douche Donald Trump. I get it, Americans are thrilled by his savagery like in Game of Thrones. I will always speak against people like Trump and the embarrassment he is to humanity. But we can be better, we are Nigerians and if our leader makes stupid comments like the one he just did, we must cry out in outrage and not just stop there. He has to be punished in some way for this.

This is more than a political issue. It is a humanitarian issue. Nigeria is already backward in so many ways as it is. We cannot afford to be facing the wrong direction, especially when it comes to issues that we can easily win with. We must be an example for the world to follow. We must stand up as humans and weaken the people that are trying to steal our humanity from us. 

As far as farts go, this is a Hurricane. And if we do not respond to it with the attention it deserves, then I do not think we stand a chance against the other problems we have. We should leave the guy that just farted in the room, and not choke on the stench of his posterior offerings. Forever, we would never forget the guy with the Hurricane fart. And congratulations Trump, you have inspired another leader to join you clan. 

Of Posterior Inconveniences

She knew she had to make a good appearance, so she took her time to dress for it. One thing you could not criticize her for is a lack of effort in making a fashion statement. Her nails, shoes, make-up, jewelry, clothes, her now trending bags, perfume and oh, hair (that would still be covered) were all on fleek. I could never tell how long it took her to get ready but I assume that it was a significant amount of time. She did not disappoint in this, but then again she never does.

But there are things you cannot prepare for. Even as a queen she could never insure herself of this unfortunate occurrence. Farts come from all sorts of assholes, all around the world, rich and poor alike. We all wish it was never a part of us. Judging by face value, it looks as though some people would never fart in their lifetime. But nature’s unhidden secret puts us all on the same level when it comes to farting. So long as you have an asshole, you must fart. Of course some have a talent for it. They are able to control their farts and bring it in when and where they choose. But the majority of us cannot stop a fart from coming, or fart when we want to. What we can do is hide it.

I have an impressive suppression technique that you could use to hide inconvenient farts. First, you breathe in a lot of oxygen, then breathe out slowly at first and then all at once, releasing the gas in the posterior direction. Allow it to ease out of you and cut it off halfway. Repeat this and you would have released the most treacherous fart without making a single noise. And if it smells, nobody will know it came from you, especially if you make effort to look like one of the people that could never fart. Even if they suspect you, they will have sufficient reason to doubt their suspicion and that my friends is how to avoid being caught farting in public.

Unfortunately, our queen did not have these tips. If you are in Aso Rock, please recommend me for one of those appointments, like special adviser to the first lady on special matters. Because I would have told her that nobody would judge her for farting in private. You see we all understand that every human has to get rid of that toxic gas. She won’t even look bad if she had farted in public. I would have advised her against putting a megaphone up her posterior region just before the gas came out. Heck even with all that, it would have looked better if she hadn’t put that much effort into putting out that much gas. Instead she took all the admiration I have been nurturing for her and used it to embarrass her people.

In case you do not have a thing for metaphors, go to this link:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-37642282?ocid=socialflow_twitter%3FSThisFB

Which Bag Will You Put Your Money In?

First of all, I am not proud of this post. Actually that is only mostly true because the only reason why I wouldn't want to sound like this is the same reason why most Nigerians jump into politics. See I am scared that someone someday may do a background check on me just when I am about to get that life-changing government contract signed, and I would loose it because of my colorful pen. But I think I can live with that while there are other ways of hammering in Nigeria (There is still a chance that that background check might not happen in any case.) So I am taking a break from being a conscious and serious Nigerian who uses everything he's got in an optimistic philosophy of making his life Nigeria better. The long and short of this is that I just want to be real for one post. 

So as many as about 70 million people are going to sacrifice their time to have their voices heard through their votes and they will soon find out this meaning of Democracy:

"Democracy: "The state of affairs in which you consent to having your pocket picked, and elect the best man to do it". Benjamin Lichtenberg

My version of this thought is more positive than Benji's own. It goes:

"Democracy: The state of affairs in which you hand over your money to the best dancer and you let him manage control how he uses it".

Let me explain, the state has oil money resources and these are managed by individuals we elect. Even though we are all entitled to all these resources, for the sake of order, we elect a few to control manage it. It is a way of owning something without having control over it, just the way artistes sign their copyright to the label for their "own good".  So in essence, 'ballot in the box' = 'money in the bag' (just so we are clear, state resources).

I should really end here but I have not gotten to the fun part yet, that is the Nigerian situation. Somehow the choices of most Nigerians lie between two bags, so welcome to the fun part.

The Scumbag

Mstcheeeew! All these idiots be acting like my feelings don't matter. whether you like it or not, they do, even moreso since I have been in every other conversation these past few months. So I guess we both agree I am popular. Popular enough to tell you this: like your fathers before you, most of you are suffering. And like them you think it is people like me that cause it. Your Father! If not for people like me, you will not even have a country sef. Some people think because they are younger than me, or more educated, they can talk nonsense. They should continue and we'll see who they'll come begging for a slice of the national cake from, after this election. I have already told them to arrange themselves very well or they will continue in their poverty. Thankfully sha, some sharp guys have  tried and they are now wearing my colors. Other idiots are going for that douche bag. Do you even know what a douche bag is? Let me tell you. It means: a contemptible or despicable person. Do you know what voting for a douche makes you? You better vote for me, oh because you don't want to know the answer to that last question. I might be mean, but I am not as low serving as that douche you keep disturbing people about. Just so you know, I am not a magician, I can't cure NEPA's epilepsy (you no get babalawo for ya village?) And all these boys looking for job, no be all of una go get am oh (lazy people! See how your mates are hustling in Lagos and you are begging government to do something for you). But I can sha promise you this, I will have smarter excuses than your celebrated douche bag if you vote for me.

The Douche bag

Is it my fault that Nigeria is the way it is? Did I invent corruption? These nonsense Nigerians will hustle and manage to travel to yankee and when they see that America is better than Nigeria they will start yabbing me as if na me dey take light for NEPA. Upon all the insults they pile on me, I am still the GSOTNC (Grand Shearer Of The National Cake), what's left of it anyways. They will insult me on Newspaper and online then after I send one of my boys with a tiny piece of the cake, they will change topic and start talking about Autistic children. See, me I am not against my fellow Nigerians because I still need their votes to win this election. If I don't win, nobody will hire me because... well I owe you no explanations. The person I dey fear na that Scumbag that is eyeing my job. Bros, I know you have been waiting in line, but no be for my head you go hammer oh. Just go relax, if na the cake you want, I fit arrange am for you na. But you sef dey vex oh. See yab wey you yab me.... As if a Scumbag is more righteous than a Douchebag. Why people come dey campaign for you sef? make you learn from your mates na. You know any 70 year old looking for the most difficult Job in Africa? Make you pity your children na. E for dey easier make you even go school (or maybe not, because we both know why you didn't go in the first place, hehe). Oya slow down, I go settle you after Saturday. You know say I be your boy na. 

This Saturday, the majority of Nigerians will be left with two choices where they can drop the currency for their socio-economic development. If you are a Nigerian, will you put your money in a douche bag or a scumbag? If you are not Nigerian, who do you think is worth your suffering, the douche or the scum?

This Neveruary

This was published last February before the election but it somehow disappeared. I wonder why.

The scientist looks harder into the telescope, he is bored of the problems here. He wants to create new ones out there. Are they out there staring back at him or are they already in the neighborhood? He knows the truth, but he has traded the freedom that comes with telling it for the power he was promised for keeping it. Can we have both power and truth at the same time or will we never know the truth about aliens? A few gods own the truth and they keep the power and they are not willing to share either with the rest of us. They want us to think that we can only get one or the other but their true intention is to make sure that we are only left with a delusion in our hands. They leave us wondering whether we should pay the price for truth and give up our power or pray that we never find out the truth that will haunt us. This Neveruary, he is going to find out whether to pay or pray and he will take the advantage of the power of truth from the self acclaimed gods of capitalism and share it with the rest of us.

Politicians fighting for power. An aging ruler vs a struggling simpleton. Who will win the race? With a vicious run for it, they find smart thinkers, and planted their seeds of reasoning. Some called it change others transformation. Some watered it with money, others placed a higher value for their conscience-more money. They added fertilizer on the seeds- all colors of religious and tribal sentiments, some good intentions (the kind that pave the way to hell) and the promise of a few big interests. The hungry streets grew with the seeds and the fruits of opinions were formed. The fruits fell on the ground and littered the floor. They rot and filled the whole air with their smell- this is the food of the streets. Soon, all you will ever know about those streets will be the fruits of the opinions. Except that the innocent children who are crying out for their future beg that they are not a part of the argument for the more appealing mediocrity. They do not want Goodluck to be their valentine and they do not want to see this Febuhari come to past. All they beg for is that politics be based on patriotism, fair judgement, and the right values. The politicians both backed down and said, you know what? They are right. Since we can't give them what they need, we will back down and find someone that can this Neveruary.

A lonely boy got popular. But it didn't help his loneliness. He has been lonely for so long that the few times he makes love with his right hand, he feels less human. Loneliness seemed to be his destiny until he fooled a girl to be a part of his loneliness. And they started sharing that loneliness together. He is not sure how long he can keep her there or how long he will want her to stay. But he spent valentine's day with her, unlike one of his friends who broke up with his girl for farting on a date two days before valentine's day. He even bought her a precious gift from a land too far away unlike his other friend who emailed his girlfriend a pdf novel she had been looking to read. All these he did knowing that he needed something for the future. So he gets proactive as he plans the next 10 steps. He wastes no time in finding ways to fill his future loneliness with friends he could replace his hand with or better yet friends he could fool to make a lifelong commitment to share and enjoy his loneliness. The only problem is that it is not the future yet, but he has started living it. He stops himself halfway into completely escaping into what he is enjoying and brings himself to the present where the innocent girl he fooled was waiting to share his loneliness. He will get rid of his projected happiness and be faithful to this girl and he will turn his loneliness into togetherness and have friends for the sake of friendship only, this Neveruary.

History Makers and Wind Breakers

How would you feel when you are trying so hard to hold in a fart in a stuffed up bus then someone else decides to relieve themselves on you? I bet you will find your resolve weaken consistently until you yourself mix the air with a mess of your own making. That is exactly how corruption is in Nigeria. There are people that are trying so hard to avoid the temptation of looting public funds, so they can deliver quality public service. But along comes someone whose value system starts and ends in their stomach, that just lets out the ooze of their corruption and what do you think happens to the guy that is holding in his fart? The usual way of things is that the most honorable of them all usually lets out their gas slowly and hope that the intensity of the stench they offer stays a layer just beneath that of the guy that has spearheaded our collective suffering.

And therein lies the impact that fosters a breakdown of good intentions, the kind that pave the way to hell. The examples that we have been left to follow allow us to let out our less lethal farts in a place where the air is poisoned with the farts of our leaders past. 

I bet there are a bunch of guys that are running for office in 2015 thinking that well, I am going to make a difference. I will be accountable and transparent. I will be a revolutionary leader and Nigeria will remember me as a history maker. I believe that is possible, but you have to know what you are up against when you roll with that line of thought. You are going against a culture of corruption that has been established since 1960. And I realize that you imagine you will walk in there without even a fart up your ass. But know that the farts of the majority might just poison your stomach and if you choose to hold that fart in and be a history maker not a wind breaker, remember that the difference may not be clear if the whole air is poisoned. Clear the air and you can breath fresh air (not the one they sold us the last time), and ensure that you yourself are not poisoned by it. 

RUBY GYANG PERFORMS ''7 SECONDS'' WITH YOUSSOUR NDOUR

This is one of the most surprising things that has happened to me this year. Just yesterday, I was surfing the internet, on a monday (don't judge me) and I came across a video of Dido performing 7 seconds with Youssour Ndour  at a Live 8 event (The biggest African artiste as of now-yeah, big deal!). I was thrilled beyond measure. This was at Hyde Park in London. As I just finished, I saw another video of ND and the amazing Neneh Cherry at Africa Live roll back Malaria event in Geneva. Tracy Chapman is on that list as well and permit me to add the most recent addition to that amazing list world changers- Ruby Gyang. She performed the same song with ND in Lagos at the Etisalat Price For Literature. It was such a delight to open the link she sent me on G+. Yes she was amazing, yes she killed it, now go watch the video for yourself!

Fish in the gutter!

Originally written August of 2013...date may not apply.

 

That said, I actually saw this live! Fish in a gutter. I am no gadget freak, I would have had the proper camera to give you a picture. As though that wasn't enough, I saw some guys fishing in the gutter in Lekki!!!! I kid you not! As I was passing by the road I saw them with fishing lines and there was this big open drainage they were dipping it in. And I know that out of the 160 million Nigerians there are, only about 5 fish for fun, 3 others that fish for their families only but the rest of them sell them to the rest of us. Unless you live in Nigeria, you won't understand why you need the best of luck in the next fish you eat, just in case you get chosen by the wrong fish (you know how the fish in the market on the tray gives you goo-goo eyes? Word of advice, do not give in next time.).

I first heard about  that there were 3 fish in our own gutter, and the last time I checked, the guard (aboki) ate 2 of them. Now I haven’t seen any fish in my own gutter but I have heard splashes in the night. I remember staking out to catch a glimpse of the weird ones once but after about 20mins of inhaling the gutter smell, I gave up on the lead.

Sometime last month while taking a shortcut out of my street, I saw schools of fishlings and fish swimming in a gutter nearby. They were hanging out in dozens according to their age I presumed, each in their own school grade. When I spoke to someone about it, he said that a lot of people fish in the gutters of Jakande as well. There’s a hazy memory in my head that could confirm that because I can’t quite remember at this point whether or not I saw them at Jakande or imagined those ones. I didn’t think much about it until I saw 3 more fish in a gutter by Lekki roundabout.

The most logical explanation to why that is possible is that the fish were carried in the ocean surge and previous floods. That could be the actual fish themselves or their eggs, you decide. I didn’t read up on this so feel free to look it up and challenge my notions.

This experience led me to write a book, my first. I have written a few, but I am guilty of uncompleted books written on my phone, my many journals or even my email draft. Their spirits often haunt me in my sleep. Hopefully this one will give me the confidence to finish the others so they can all rest in one piece. This book is about the important lessons that  I am learning as an entrepreneur and focuses on how I am able to adapt as an entrepreneur in Nigeria.

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Justice Vs Political Correctness?!

Courtesy cartoonmovement.com

Is there any difference between Al Mustapha's case and George Zimmerman's? Of course they are from different worlds but I believe there is no Justice without righteousness. 

I will recommend Justice as humanity's greatest need and Political correctness as a social need. But who am I to compare both when they have been let down by the powers that be?  

I will rather compare Rationality Vs Truth in this case as the most recent happenings suggest, as opposed to Justice and Political Correctness. But before I move on, I must say that Political correctness has turned out to be the new Justice.

Now as we proceed, you will observe that the humanity that has kept us, well, human over our existence has been guilty of making the truth negotiable and the facts that point to reality, subjective. And subjectivity has been our greatest hindsight. Here I find myself suggesting that truth and reality are at war when the real truth is that both have been subjugated by us.

I twist words and weave concepts, but stay with me a while let us unravel some real truth together. One thing we cannot negotiate is that the truth that we hide will continue to cry out until righteousness is regained, we will not find justice. 

But in the end words remain words and our thoughts, only thoughts until we are bold enough to apply wisdom and understanding to our thoughts and action to our words. My only action now will be to remove the veil in your eyes so you can see that the real truth is that it is only righteousness that can bring about justice and justice, political correctness.